YOUNG N WASTED

formspring.me

2012-02-10T05:44:00.001-08:00

I'll answer anything! http://www.formspring.me/xinlerk

Brace Face

2012-02-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

I look like this now. LOL never knew I would have the chance to put braces cos my friends kept saying my teeth is rather straight. My mom is the only one who cannot stand my teeth, cos it is protruding out when you see from the side. I thought I could change the colour of my braces :( But never, Sam said I could change it after 6 months! Hehehe, hopefully.

My mom brought me and my cousin to have dinner right after I put my braces. My first meal with my braces on was horrible. ._. All the rice and meat are stuck between my braces! Damn gross, and I think I spent half the time digging and sucking out the rice from my braces rather than eating my food. Ewww... So reluctant to eat anything hard now. Save me the trouble of digging out food from my braces. It's also the first time I find toothpick useful, first time using it for a constructive purpose. Used to use it for art or pranks only. LOL.

And I really hope no balls would come straight into my face tmr for training, if not, I swear I'm going to bleed like nobody's business like how Cynthia have always kena-ed. Omg. Officially in the braces clan among my friends.

Just need all of you back to me.

2012-02-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that I'm experiencing some major mood swing right now cos I just teared.

Teared because of studies and friendship. I don't know why but I feel that I am not Xin Lerk right now. I feel so fake. I'm not even happy.

Being happy was once my motto to keep myself going. Right now, it has totally changed. Maybe to, "Not be sad." I don't even smile anymore. I hate myself. I don't feel appreciated around people. I can't even stare into people's eyes hard without guilt. I shun all eye contacts as tho I've done something disgraceful, which I had, I guess. I'm so fake.

I miss Cassandra, Hannah and Yanni so so much. All those innocence. No need to put up any walls, and they are always there for me. No matter what, they will never leave me behind.

That's what friends should do right? Not leaving each other behind. I feel that no matter how hard I try to pull people towards me, not leaving them behind, people just wouldn't do the same for me.

I thought things work this way like, you treat people the way you want them to treat you.

Hey, I'm getting nothing of that sort back. I feel that it is fucking unfair.

But ok, who am I to demand so much anyways. Didn't I just mention above that I am so insignificant now?

Even a pea is more significant, at least it is green in colour.

No love. No smiles.

It was always there, just never spoken.

2012-02-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

First time at Haji Lane; Shisha.

Thought more people would be joining, but it was fun anyway. Super nice to ketchup with them. <3

Hahaha created this japalang frozen yoghurt together. Anyhow mixed the flavours of the yoghurt and just spam all the toppings. The whole yoghurt added up to 10 bucks. Can you believe it? ._.

It was so darn expensive, I couldn't help licking every single remains on my spoon. Don't want to waste any bit.

Hehe we love the vibrantly coloured spoons! Too bad there wasn't any sky blue ones. :(

So, Yanwei, Nicholas, Weiwen and I went out together to Haji Lane. It was an impromptu outing actually. Didn't really plan anything, just that they discuss about going out on Whatsapp group. I decided to join them cos I thought I should relieve myself for studying the whole week. It was so tiring, the cycle of studying is so tedious. :( My first month of school in J2 has just ended, can't wait for the 2nd month to end, and then the 3rd, so on and so forth. I hope I'm ready when Alevels is finally here. Cannot wait for the 9 months holiday ahead of me.

Anyway, I've been feeling so small among large crowd lately. You know how it feels when you try to talk to someone, and they just don't respond at all? I really hate it. It's not the first time I've experienced this. I want to blog it out cos it has been happening to me for so many times that I kinda feel sad about it. I know people don't care about how I feel, cos sometimes I really can't give a shit about people as well. That's what people do isn't it? People throw shit at you, you throw them back like a bomb. I know it's bad. :( But I really cannot stand how people are treating me. It's like they come as and when they feel like it, and I cannot do the same. Friendship problems have always been a huge issue for me, so hard for me to handle. That's why I have decided to just study and not care about them anymore. Burying yourself in your books is the best way to end all those miseries, it's beneficial to you as well. You get good results at the end of it, and you don't have to feel sad about things everyday.

I also thought I should discontinue my tweeting habits. It's like I reveal too much about myself, and people are taking every bit of details for granted. They no longer message you to ask you what have you been doing like last time. I really like random messages. But I no longer receive them already. So sad. :( Furthermore, people only read your tweets when they are interested. I think I'm quite an attention seeker. I want people to pay specific attention to me. I feel appreciated that way.

Oh ya, I'm putting on braces next Friday! Very excited for it. :) I like braces, I like people with braces too. It's like an extra accessory for my face. I foresee myself looking uglier, but nevermind, what matters most is having a straight teeth and a nice smile. :)

By the way, I've decided to public my Formspring again. Hmm, feel free to ask me anything. :)

Gonna sign off with a photo of my favourite 1Directioner!

LOUIS TOMLINSON.

Just a little bit ___, maybe I'll really get there.

2012-01-24T01:36:00.000-08:00

Came across this song while watching some anorexia videos that those suffering from the disease were sharing about their story. Thought I should share it with you guys since it really reflects how majority of the girls are feeling, include me.

Just a little bit more to get there.

We can do it, people.

Chin up, look forward.

EDITED: OK, I'M NOT ENCOURAGING ANYONE OF YOU TO STOP EATING, STARVE YOURSELF TO BECOME SKINNY. I'M JUST TRYING TO ENCOURAGE YOU GUYS TO KEEP TRYING ON WHATEVER, YES WHATEVER, YOU'RE CURRENTLY STRIVING FOR!

LOL.

Lyrics

Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember

Hiking up my skirt

Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember

Nervous if ever confronted

And questioning myself

Oh perhaps, perhaps if I got better

Perhaps if I challenged myself

Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember

pulling up my shirt

Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember

Days of useless crying

Almost feeling dead

Oh perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller

Perhaps, I could control myself

Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there...

oooooaaaah oooooaaahhh

ooooaaaah oaaa'aaah

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there...

Track playing: Forever Young

2012-01-23T02:09:00.000-08:00

Some of the random photos I took to tweet on Twitter:

My sisters and I. Ok, I have no idea what is Xintien doing with her hands on her ahem.

Haha my handsome and tanned brother.

My morning was finally complete with these soft candies!

Was so grumpy cos the first 2 houses I visited didn't have them.

What is Chinese New Year w/o kiddy sweet. Hehe

So happy to see the milk candy! ^^

HOW WAS CNY FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE?

I can really say that mine was a bore. No mahjong, no gambling (not that I like to, but it helps to add on the CNY atmosphere. ALOT), no bakhwa. Can you believe it? The whole morning spent visiting 5 houses, I didn't even have any bakhwa. I'm so halal today. No pork, no lard.

Aside from all the complainings, I was dressed really simply today. A dress and a NewLook heels, I got it for quite a cheap price cos it was on sale in Jan.

$29.90!

WANNA KNOW HOW MUCH I COLLECTED TODAY?

A whooooooooooping $542.

Hahaha, okay la actually it's the same as the past few years. This sum of money is even higher than those bangla worker's salary. Gosh.

The food today was all damn nice, can't control myself. I will continue to go for PE lessons to shed off that 1kg I gained today, for sure. I hope we run 2.4km every lesson man. I need someone to discipline me, I can't run on my own. I will run around the track twice instead of 6 I tell you. That's how lazy I am.

On a sidenote, I'm glad training is on Wedneday. I feel training for me right now is for me to lose weight rather than improving my skills. Haha wth, what am I thinking. No wonder some kind soul on formsprings say I will not help nanyang to get top4 if I'm the main setter. To be frank, you did it babe. I was really sad. My reply was crude to you, cos I replied, "Thanks for motivating me", with a smiley. But I really don't care. LOL. You're so pathetic you know? Going online anonymously to tear people down. To think that I'm even giving a fuck to you here, I find myself disgusting. Hey, try going formspring again now. :) You have to put down your name yo.

To haters out there:

I really don't know what I've done to you. LOL, seriously. If you hate me, means I hate you too. Cos when I don't like someone, I kinda show it quite obvious. AND, I can tell you out front here, I only hate slutty bitches, taking photos showing their cleavages and acting blur in their photos. Hey like seriously, there's no girls out there who won't check their photos multiple times before deciding whether to upload or delete. And if you finally want to upload that photo, it won't be ugly. Your ulterior motive of upload a photo with cleavage is obviously to gain attention. I have quite a few of these bitches in my sec sch, lol, kind of referring to them. I don't care of they hate me, I don't need them in my life anyway. So, if you're hating on me, it either proves that you're a slutty attention seeking whore? Or, you're from my secondary school lo. If you're neither, you're the worst kind of person I know. So if you really hate me so much, you can fucking kill yourself.

I sound like a bitch here. Well, maybe I really am. Lol

Happy Lunar Chinese New Dragon Year.

2012-01-22T05:41:00.000-08:00

LOL, okay just taken those random shots with my webcam cos IE got stuck. :( So sad, I tried downloading GoogleChrome again but it just wouldn't work. Good way to 'start' my official chinese new year lo, can... :(

Anywayssssssss, my family went over to my grands' for reunion dinner with my paternal side relatives! Reached there at about 330pm to help out a bit. You know, like cutting of abalone topshells and stuffs like that. We had steamboat and tepanyaki. (IN THE MEANTIME, MY MOM IS GIVING ME ANGPAOS NOW, HEHE!!!!) Okay so, it wasn't as nice as those in Seoul Garden or Nihonmura whatever. No bacon, no sausages, no eggs. OH YA NO EGGS! WTH REALLY NO EGGS. I swear I just realise this. NO CHEESE TOFU SOMEOMRE. WAHRAOOOOOOOO...

So we had, fish... WTH AND YA NO CHICKEN NO BEEF. WTH??!!?!?!?!??!?!?! I JUST REALISED HOW BAD MY REUNION DINNER WAS. LOL FAIL. Okay okay okay ok ok ok kkkkkkkkkkkkk, let me continue.... We had fish, sotong, scallop, topshell, abalone, prawns, vegetables, vegetables, erm somemore vegetables? Okay sometimes nice, FISHBALLS. Eh, that's about it sial. How fail... But all of us were still full and satisfied in the end la. HAHAHA okay, my dinner weren't that bad actually cos we all had fun. :) What matters most is that the whole family is together and eating dinner together right? That's the rationale of Reunion Dinner, and I think we fulfilled that today. Happy. All ready and prepared for chinese new year. I think, in the end, what's lacking is really the atmosphere. Haha, I think chinese new year for me this year is just another day, just that we have to be all auspicious and receive some angpaos.

I can say that I'm not exactly excited to see my relatives, cos I'm not looking forward to the part where I have to greet them -.- I don't know what to call them you know? It's like I know strangers better than my relatives. Cos, at least when I see strangers, I can say "AUNTY!" without a single doubt. However, when I see some relatives of mine, whom I barely know, I'll be like, erm (smile a bit awkwardly), nudging my parents and hinting them to help me greet them. Aww that sucks. So I have a plan, I will just say, "Hello! Happy chinese new year!!!!" Act all excited and vroooooooom, off to the table full of snacks. That's it yo. Hehehe.

Okay, that's about it. I can report to you guys how much I collected tmr.

BUAIX.

2012-01-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

And so, I was reflecting what have I done for last year and realised that I actually started last year with some people with the wrong footing. This cost me some trust that I will never get back. I don't wish for anyone's understanding too. It's my fault. But yup, won't regret anything that I have done or said cos that's the best thing I could have done at that moment.

Anyway! Let's be happy today. I'm going to have my reunion dinner nowszx! GET HIGH. HAHAHA FOOD........ YUM YUM.
SLIMY FATS CAN GO ELSE WHERE.
TATA.
XOXO.

Luanlegacy

2012-01-19T03:05:00.000-08:00

LUANLEGACY FTW!

Hahaha I love him so so much, he is just so funny and he did it again, he made my day. Go subscribe to him, he is so honest and straightforward with what he thinks, not afraid to post it in a video.

I started to notice his videos when someone posted this particular video about horror movies that he talked about.

LOL I apologise in advance for using the word FUCK, ok? But this video was FUCKING HILARIOUS! HAHAHA exactly what I thought and felt about the actors in horror movies. Somehow, I always felt that the main actor should die, but they survived anyway. So.... Whatever. HAHAHA

Alright, after you've enjoyed watching luanlegacy's videos, let me blog about my boring and hectic school life. Today is the last day of school until chinese new year ends. Woohoo! So relieved. No words can describe how mentally and physically drained I feel now. I'm so tired of school work, revising everyday. And I can really say that I've worked and studied very hard ever since the 'official' first day school, excluding the 2 open house days. Today is only the 7th day of school, you know? YOU KNOW? And everyday I see people studying and mugging already. No time to lose, and I actually do not mind working my ass off this whole year without any enjoyment. I feel I have played enough last year, or maybe played too much. It was a huge price to pay, cos I was advanced to JC2 instead of getting promoted. So... sad.... I wonder how well I'm going to do for my block test which is coming in March. So afraid, so nervous you know?

Also, all the scheme of work I see from math and gp. All the dates written in our student handbook just reminded me how short a year can be. One page flipped is a month over. Omg, that's damn freaking fast. (Im sorry for jumping here and there in my blog post ok? I'm a very random person. LOL ._.)

Anyway, it's 2012 this year, and this number look like a movie to me. HAHAHAHA yes the movie 2012, the number look so fake you know? Like, ya, like I'm living in a movie, a dream. LOL, I don't expect any of you readers to understand me, but that's how I feel. Everytime I write down the date on my worksheets, my hoomeworks, I was reminded that all of us earthlings are probably going to die. Haha and I see what I'm doing.... I'm STUDYING. Wahlao.......... Wahlao......... Wahlao.......... Okay, not enough WAHLAOs is going to fully describe how BLA I feel. LOL I dont know word to sub with the BLA. Yes, my english language is just this bad. Hahaha so sorry that I don't have a tagboard in my blog. But you can insult me on formspring if you want. LOL.

HAPPIESTSZX THING ABOUT TODAY IS THAT TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF MY PE LESSON UNTIL ADIV ENDS. WOOLALA! So happy you know?! Cos all my PE lessons are in the morning AT 730AM. Freaking 730, and if anyone of our classmates want to bathe, we have to meet at 7AM. WAHLAO. Ya la, it happened today, me and 4 other classmates wanted to bathe, and the rest of the class had to come at 7am. I had to wake up at 540am in the morning to be in school on time. This is insane because I had training until late at night yesterday. TOTALLY WORN OUT LIKE SOME SHIT TODAY.

Hehe okay, that's probably the end of my post, I wish all of you a Happy Happy Chinese New Year! Cny also can have resolution one right? OKAY, I dont care, I will make one my own.

I WANT TO SLIM DOWN TO 48KG. HAHAHAHAH! So motivated seeing Guojian slim down! Omg, this is insanity. Admire him alr.

BYEEEEEEEEEEE.

I LOVE YOU GUYS AS MUCH AS YOU GUYS HATE ME.

XOXO.

2012-01-12T04:53:00.001-08:00

OMG FINALLY I FEEL THAT BLOGGER IS NORMAL ONCE AGAIN.

Okay, I'm actually using the new blogger interface right now, I feel that it is.... erm like YouTube and GMail. Everything is using this template, which is kind of not nice actually. I don't really like it this way. I like the old blogger better, but nevermind. I will get used to this one and try to love it. :)

I'm blogging to relieve myself from all the pressure already on me ON THE SECOND FREAKING DAY OF SCHOOL. Wth, can you imagine it?! Only the 2nd day, and I'm starting to feel the stress already. I dare not imagine how the rest of the year would turn out to be like.

Argh anyways, I'm kind of depressed lately, cos it feels like I've been gaining weight instead of losing. I don't know what's wrong too :( It feels that when I'm eating very little, I really eat very little. And then when I start to get hungry, I start gobbling like some pigs that haven't eaten for weeks. Okay, maybe not weeks, cos I would already be dead. But ya, something like that. :( It's bad. Chinese New Year is coming too and I'm afraid that I would not be able to fit in nicely in the costume that I'm going to buy. (Ya, you didn't see it wrongly, I haven't buy my cny costume yet.)

Oh ya, and for training yesterday, it was kind of depressing for me. I jump so low. D; I wasn't like the shortest in the team, but I have jumping height around the same as them. Especially Iris, her reach was like higher than me when we're blogging. By a few centimetres. :( So depressing you know! But my single hand jump reach was high than her by 4cm. Only 4 :( I feel so lousy you know. I know the fact that I could not even touch the measuring cardboard for both hands jump had boosted her ego a lot a lot. I'm feeding her with ego, oh my oh my. Must keep training up, do gym. BUT I DON'T WANT ANY FREAKING MUSCLES. Gah, in dilemma now. I'm getting fat and now I'm getting muscular, which means getting bigger. :( No... I can't wait for A'div to be over. I want to concentrate on my studies. And also, maybe the 2.4km run coming up in PE can be a good opportunity for me to shed some weight. Thanks goodness there's a teacher during PE lesson to push me to run. I don't need any running partner in the meantime. Yay. :) I hope there's no taking of height and weight tomorrow, cos I will kill Ms Audrey if she decided to conduct that. This is freaking the first time I'm reluctant to take height and weight. I feel so lousy about myself now. I'm ugly big and fat.

2012-01-09T23:41:00.001-08:00

We had open house just now, and it wasn't really fun. But I am really glad that I went cos I could finally see Joanne and Xinling after such a long time! :) I'm blogging this at bishan waiting for the train home. I've been feeling so much, all the little things that some of you would probably think they are nothing. I admit that I am someone really sensitive to friendship stuffs. If there's something amiss, I can immediately sense it. Today, I realized that I am not exactly close with my team. There are things that they share among themselves that they don't wish to tell me. I really hate not knowing everything, but then again, as a popular saying goes 'ignorance is bliss'. Maybe I should be grateful to them that they are giving me lesser burden to carry. And everytime when I'm with them, there will be times where I will be silent, i don't know why. I'm just a little unhappy I think. I feel very insignificant among them. Why am I feeling this way suddenly? :( I'm like a sad little thing now. I've never felt this way among my friends for the past 16 years. I don't know. I'm posting how I feel here cos I believe not many of you will read my blog. It's been dead for so so long. However, I hope that none of you will judge me after reading all the posts that I've posted. You're not suppose to judge, but to feel what I've been through. :( if you're still unhappy, feel free to leave, don't leave nasty comments please. To be frank, your comments will really affect me a lot. So if your aim is to crush me into some ant, then just do it. That's the easiest way to drown my confidence. I know revealing too much feelings about myself will leave me vulnerable to some other more harmful things. But those doesn't really matter anymore I guess.

I have nothing to lose, and I don't stand to win anything. Doesn't matter anyway. Life has been this fair to me. Too bad.

One year ago

2012-01-08T21:08:00.001-08:00

Today is the release of the O levels result, I feel anxious for my sister and all the dsa players coming into nanyang volleyball team. I hope all of them get in and hope that xinpei will get under 10 :)

It's really damn fast, one year ago, it was me receiving the results. Honestly,for last year I did not really care whether I could get into nanyang or not, I just want to know whether I was capable of achieving good results, and I did, though I didn't really do well for math. Actually somehow or rather, I wish I was in a polytechnic. I might be more happy and scoring well for my GPA every semester. It's tough to juggle both volleyball and studies. However, I'm still relieved that I chose the JC path. :) I have so many great teammates here in nanyang, will never forget them! Especially samantha and huijie who have left the team, they are the best people I've met so far. So cute and funny altogether. I hope they will get into the poly and course that they want and excel from there!

Lastly for me, I'm going to make this year count by doing well in my alevels and play well for volleyball. I will get into main team, and if I don't, I'm going to cut my hair short. Just the same bet as I have with Casandra if I don't lose 2 kg by Jan 29th. Gosh, this is damn tough, but I can do it. :)

xoxo
(Blogger still looks weird)

Sparks Fly

2012-01-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

Tension brewing in the team. A bit, I think. If I can feel it, means it's also strong enough for the others to feel it. I don't know, I hope it will not lead to anything more serious.

If your tweet was referring to me, the silence part? There was nothing I can do. I feel you, but it's not even my fault. All I could have done and what I did was to listen to you. I didn't even use my phone when I had the chance to. I was sincerely there to listen, to just let you vent it out. Seems like by doing that, it's not enough. What do you want man? Tell me la. Seriously. You care about those ngee ann juniors more than you care for my feelings. I'm your dog is it? Wth, let me drop this. I've been blogging so much about you, you're fucking too significant to me even though I mean nothing to you as a friend. I will fuck off now. :)

Don't come back to me ok.

Training

2012-01-06T21:59:00.001-08:00

So today I'm going to have training at 5. I will perform my best later, for every training. Since my team mates said I was never loud. I will scream my head off later. Heh, just kidding :) I will shout even louder then. And yup, I have a new quote to motivate me from now on.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

I'm going strong! Lol, tell you something. I already have the urge to delete last night's post. LOL, KILL ME NOW! Embarrassing.

Actually yup, I've been wanting to say this but some people always shut me up with those eyes they give me. So I'm going to say it here:
I'm really not being weak. As much as you want me to try hard and earn for my position, I am also trying hard to handle my other emotions on court and pressure. I'm not saying this because I cannot handle stress. Ok, maybe you think I am cos all those below may seem as some stupid excuses to you. But I've really thought it thru, don't judge me just yet and give all those remarks silently in your head. I know, I know what you're thinking. I've finally look at the positive side, maybe it's fine being a bench warmer. Maybe that period of time when I was somewhat like the main setter, it really displayed me as a setter that didn't really dared to play with guts. Yup, I'm not clever enough. I know. And I know that this cleverness needs experience, I don't have them ok? And so many people have indirectly said it in front of me that iris is going to be the main setter in finals (if we managed to enter) cos she has more wits, im fine. Everything. Although it would kill me damn hard to know that I'm not going to play for the team in finals. You guys can say all you want cos you're not me. It's easy for you to say, of course easy for for me to say as well. But do you feel me? What I'm handling every single day, single week? I have 3 trainings per week and it's so hard to just escape from reality for just a little while. My training is Monday wednesday Saturday now. And I'm going to wake up today, thinking oh training today OR I'm going to wake up today thinking, oh there's training tomorrow. There's not a single break. Like a long break. I can't wait for a levels to end.

(Sometimes I wish you weren't close to me at all. Cos you treat people you're not close with so much better than how you treat me. A part of me wish that you will never see this, but a larger part of me hope you would at least know how I really really feel.)
With you in a team, I feel like a junior too rather than a teammate to you. And this sucks. I'm a girl too, I have ego even tho it is a tiny one compared to any other people.

2012-01-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

I JUST FEEL THAT SOMETIMES BEING WITH YOU, I FEEL SO LOW AND LOUSY ABOUT MYSELF.

Dilemma

2012-01-06T10:34:00.001-08:00

When people comfort you or tell you things, do they even mean it?
They say one thing and then do the other. They really do exactly the same thing that really hurt you so much. Bestfriends? I don't even have any anymore. I wouldn't even want to have one. No one can lift up to that. No one can even reach my expectation of being my best friend. I once had some, and they all failed. I'm not saying that I'm the best friend ever. I fucking swear that I am not. I want to be, but ya, I don't think people would want me as their friend. They would probably treat me as some insignificant dumb girl. Just an insignificant girl in their life that never did made any impact. Pretty true, after these years, they are going to forget me. What I want is just for my friends around me to treat me seriously. That's all. It's nice to know that they do care about me, encourage me with things. I totally appreciate that, sincerely.

And some of you closer to me for years, might already know that I have a soft spot for you guys and would never want to do anything to hurt you. However somehow or rather, I really feel so bad about myself at every end of each day going out with you people. I don't know why. I fucking swear that I rather stay home and do my damn holiday assignments. Call me a coward, whatever, but I'm hurt every single day, faking a smile. Ya, blablabla, all of you have been through that. And what makes you think that I can actually bear this for long. You know what? Screw this shit. And I'm not going to say that 2012 have so far been bad to me cos I've been complaining shit all day long on blogger, twitter or by any chance, facebook. It's all my fault, Tan Xin Lerk is not in control of her own bloody life. It has only been how many days? 6 days? (Too lazy to check, to move my eyes to the bottom right corner) I will change, I can change anytime. I don't have to change myself next year 2013 to start afresh. Those are just plain excuses for you to procrastinate.

Seriously, I'm not going to pay any attention on those bullshit. For those close to me who happen to read my blog, you want to call me dumb, go ahead yo. :) You want to say I'm lousy, I'm a flirt, I'm a fucking chao ah lian (FUCKING INSULTING), I act dumb in front of guys (someone scolded me that on formspring; I bear grudges), I'm a prick in your god damn big eyes. WHATEVER, I AM ALL THOSE OKAY? You're not jealous or anything, I am all those. I don't fucking care anymore. Cos all... I... am... going... to... do... is... to... STUDY. Hardcore mugging. I mug well for a levels and train hard for volleyball.

To be frank, I don't even know what's up with guys these days. I rather be single, knowing that guys I've met so far for 2011 are cows. Grass in their brains.

Don't be too uptight anyway, I'm boiling now. Raging. Angry at how people have treated me so far. But I'll soon be okay. So let me just vent things out here since I am so pathetic, no one to talk to. Ok? Sincerely very sorry. I guess I'll prolly come back here tmr and be tempted to want to delete this post, cos I sounded so stupid. Ok, bye. Love, peace, anything.

I AM STILL ANGRY. GAH.

Things that don't get through

2012-01-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

I think there's something wrong with blogger. But nevermind. I miss Taiwan a lot! Hehe really like the photo above, somehow a little candid. Anyway, I'm fine already, thanks for all the care and concern. :) Some of my team mates and friends talked to me and they told me to change the way I set my ball. It's hard :( Cos I have been setting like this for like 6 years? And you want to me to change in like a few months time? It's hard but I will try. Some mentioned something that I'm really not happy about. They said I didn't want the main team position hard enough, that I only use words and no actions. Okay, maybe? Maybe not? Since outsiders can see things more clearly, I would have to work even harder.

There's training later in the evening, hope my coach will notice me. Anyway I'm starting to hate him a lot these days. Him and him biasness.

Truth hurts

2011-12-30T07:35:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to know what Coach was thinking and today he finally confessed. Truth hurts. I cried the second time during training today. Yesterday was my first. I couldn't help it. I really don't want to cry. I fucking swear. I don't want anybody to see how crashed I was. I wanted to be strong, and I thought I was strong enough to hold back my tears. But I was terribly wrong. Tears just streamed out and I sniffed continuously like some pathetic dog. I couldn't stop. I doubt nobody know how much I wanted to be the main setter. I really don't know why I am never good enough. This is the second time a different coach have said something straight in my face that I wasn't going to be the main setter. The first time was back in secondary school, I had a senior setter in my team. I also wanted to play main, my coach knows how much I wanted it. There was once, me and my captain we went to suggest to her a new formation that we were thinking about. I didn't put myself as the main setter in that formation, the sole purpose of suggesting the new formation was because I really want my secondary school team to make it to the nationals. Instead of her complimenting me and my captain, this was all I got, "Xinlerk, you know you will not be the main setter right?". I was so shock, wasn't even expecting that remark. I wanted to cry so bad. Back then, I was stronger, I didn't cry. That feeling suck so bad that time, it's like there's no point training hard anymore since I won't even be playing as the main setter. However, things changed, somehow, I played the main setter for that year's northzone. My senior setter didn't play a single set. I won. I played as the main setter.

Those who doesn't understand the game of volleyball would find this post stupid. Why cry over volleyball. It's not your life. If you don't understand, fuck out of my blog. Fuck me? Whatever.

I seriously thought I wouldn't get to feel so hurt, that kind of hurt ever anymore. Then, I relived that moment of pain today again. Today, it felt ever so excruciating. It was torturing, because today he shot me the truth during a debrief after my friendly. The short 15 minutes debrief was the longest that I've ever sat through. He tried to make his point less harsh. But all he wanted to say was, my setting is not as good as iris's cos my style of setting is different and unsuitable in a bad way. Iris can set shot balls better than me. Everything. I will not be the main setter. She will. The way he meant it, he wanted me to accept the fact that I was going to warm the bench. Well sir, I will do a fucking good job in that. I was truly never good enough. Wrong choice for coming into nanyang. So I've DSA-ed here to warm the fucking bench for 2 years? How humiliating. I don't need anyone to comfort me in anyway okay? So what if the others preferred the balls I set. So what? You know I really felt that I played well today? And that was what hurt me the most. The fact that I played well today killed me. My best was not comparable to iris's skills. I was so lousy. Tall and useless. So what if I'm taller? I'm fucking useless. I can't defend better, I'm slower, I'm fatter. Alright, well that may be the reason why I'm so good in warming the bench. Cos my ass is fucking huge. Xinlerk, you're never fucking good enough. I cried throughout the whole debrief. It was fucking embarrassing. I know there's nothing wrong to cry and be emotional cos I really wanted it so badly. I want to be the main setter, but someone deciding whether I can be just sentenced me a death sentence that I cannot be the main setter. You know how much that hurts? It's not like I'm given a chance. It was something like I was destined to be a bench warmer even before I could do anything. Blame me, blame my luck. I can say I spent my life to become a bench warmer setter all my life.

Today, I get the true experience of having to pretend that I'm really fine in front of my friends. I didn't want to leave first right after the debrief, cos I don't want anybody to worry about me. I didn't want to create any unhappy things within my team. So I stayed and dried my tears, smiles and joke around with them with my swollen eyes. My journey back home took one hour and I had to hold back my tears for an hour. I wanted to cry so bad but I couldn't. I was on the train and in front of Iris. I don't know how I would feel if I was her. I hope she won't think that I'm hating her or whatever, cos I really don't. I still treat her as my good friend, just that things are already so tense with us being so competitive. Both of us used to say, "why are we so close when we're both setters?" I know we would distance ourselves with time, but didn't know it would happen so quickly and harshly today. On the second last day of 2011. 2011 had been really bad to me. Everything was so tough. I don't expect 2012 to be any better. I just want myself to be stronger to embrace all the bad comings ahead of me. I don't know what god has for me to allow me to experience this pain the second time. Today's blow was a really huge one. Thank god I was able to take it. (as in not committing suicide, dying for volleyball is stupid. This, I admit.) Today, I cried my way home right after I got out of the train. People who walked pass me, was damn shock. I was shock too at how hard I cried. I'm still crying right now. I hope I'll be fine tomorrow.

Smile, xinlerk, smile. :)

2011-12-29T08:51:00.000-08:00

Too lazy to blog about Taiwan trip actually. No point blogging a belated one. Haha shall skip it then. I doubt anyone would be interested. You can ask me anything on my formspring though.

Under a lot of pressure lately. I have to perform GREAT for training. And every single training is a battle. So hard to keep up. I thought I played well, but everytime I perform, coach doesn't see. Never. I'm always like this. I don't know what is holding me back. Well, right now, I just keep telling myself this... Since you're already at the bottom, do whatever it takes to get up and be better. You have nothing to lose. At most, warm the bench lo. I'll still be in the main 12. Okay, that's what I'm going to do. Improve like some ass that nobody can handle me. (The Club Can't Handle Me) HAHAHA OKAY LAME.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYY I FOUND MY OWN MOTIVATION. YEAH BABY, I NEED NO ONE. NO ONE NEEDS ME. IM PATHETIC. HAHHAHA kkkk, byebye

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

2011-12-20T00:42:00.000-08:00

A photo taken in Lilliput Theme Park me and my team mates went 2 days ago.
I shall do a post on my Taiwan Trip later when I feel like it. Gosh, feeling so lazy now. Can't wait for my team mates to upload all the photos too!

I'll be back, teehee.

I'm going to make you bend and break

2011-12-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

Hahaha this is damn cute right! It was totally coincidental! This cute little snack is actually Kinder Beuno's Happy Hippo! I bite off its mouth, and it turned out to be like this. Doesn't it resemble Elmo? Hehe.

Anyway, I just packed my luggage for Taiwan. I brought like 4-5 jackets, is it a little too much? My luggage is actually quite small. I hope I can squeeze the things I'm going to buy in Taiwan man. I'm only 3/4 ready with my luggage and it's quite full alr. Gosh.

Xinling is back in Singapore! Hehe miss this girl so much! I've been abusing this 3 words, "I miss you" a lot lately, but I really meant it when I use them! I miss Xinling, Joanne, Hannah and a lot of other girls too!

Alright, shall blog till here.

Gonna rest soon, heading Tampines for training at noon tomorrow!

Poise

2011-12-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

We girls went to the ikea in Queenstown for dinner. We were actually quite disappointed that Hannah couldn't make it. Hope she recover fast from her strained calf muscle!

Let's get down to the food we ate! We really ordered a lot. Maybe it's little to you guys, but for me, it's considered a lot. I think we were crazy at that point of time while deciding what food to eat.

It's a lot right? A meal for 3 person with tiny appetite, maybe for me la. Anyway the salmon dish on the far right really suck. It taste damn bad, smells bad too. It cost us $10.50 with a disgusting Ikea Chips and a not-bad Apple Peach Juice. Argh, totally wasn't worth the money. This meal cost us a total of $29.90 only! It kinda worth it excluding the salmon dish. Haha we only had to pay $10 each! Oh ya, I forgot to include the Chocolate Mousse into the photo! It tasted exactly like HL Milk Cream, so... nothing very surprising.

We walked around the warehouse after eating, and then decided to eat ice cream! Hehe, there's always room for dessert even when your stomach is on the verge of exploding. I thought the token was damn cute, and the machine that help 'squeeze' out the ice cream was damn cool! There are 3 machines, the 3rd one on the far right is spoiled. And if you guys happen to go there, go to the 1st one! The ice cream it squeeze out is damn sharp and there are more. HAHAHA, like aunty sial. The one in the middle squeezes out fat and stumpy ice cream! Considered ugly to me as compared to mine with a pointy tip! Hehe, I'm so weird!

Camwhore:

.xoxo.

Had a lot of dreams that transformed to vision.

2011-12-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

Hehe, am I blogging a little too often? Gonna meet the 2 girls and Yanni later for dinner at queensway Ikea later. Can't wait to see them and most importantly satisfy my craving for the Caesar Salad! Been craving for it for weeeeeeeeeks.

PS: You need to click on my blog post to read the full post! Cos somehow my blog layout cut out a huge chunk of it from the display.

Btw, a stupid pimple grew on my ass, not my anus, just the butt. Haha I'm need to me specific cos my team mates thought I had PULSE!!!! HAHAHHA SO FUNNY AND CUTE. Pimpy-on-the-butt is being a total nuisance seriously. It hurts right now, cos I'm sitting on it as I sit on this chair typing away.

Hehe okay, that's it for now. I will update more when I feel like it later on.

xoxo.

Expectations

2011-12-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

SO TOUGH LIVING UP TO PEOPLE'S EXPECTATION

As expected, still not good enough. Coach got me thinking. He said I was clueless about the skills of my team mates. I felt so insulted, what else can I do? Only Iris understood how I felt. We felt like a chess piece fully controlled by him. That's the reason why we're clueless.

What's the point of thinking when there's someone with more say to instruct you what to do right? I have no guts to make any other move to earn more point, seriously. You can only seize a chance to earn a point when you know you can definitely nail it. If you can't, don't risk it. No one is going to sympathize you. Well, it's a team game after all. I understand. Cos if someone commit an unnecessary error, I would have done the same thing - blaming her inside me. After every friendly, I would feel so bad about myself. Never good enough, feeling like a replacement. There's always someone replacing me for my mistakes. Somehow I think I'm not meant to excel in playing volleyball. Bench warmer in primary school, escaped this fate in secondary school, and maybe a bench warmer again here. This feeling is so sucky, I really feel bad about myself. I have no idea how other people think about my skills, how I wish everybody come clean and just scream that I'm a lousy player in my face.

That's all about my volleyball rants I guess. I will work harder from now on. How much is hard enough? Clueless. Not slacking for gym prolly.

What a sad end to my post.

Skinny Love

2011-12-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

Miss my secondary school clique so much. Finally I can get to see them tomorrow. Haha, I want to start my diet, but guess what? We're meeting out at Ikea to makan. What...

Alright, I'll make this a short post. I hope training/friendly later will go well. I want to play, but I guess I should pin little hopes again. I don't want to feel so crashed like the last friendly. :( Giving me so much high hopes by putting me in on the first set and sub-ing me out in the midst of playing just cos he think I was nervous. I really wasn't. But if that's his definition of anxiety and stress, there's nothing I can do. Blame it on my face for looking 'green' D; Which it really didn't turn green! Okay, why am I holding grudges.

Bye for now.

Peace! x

Misplaced trust and old friends.

2011-12-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

Hehe hello! Not sure what dragged me back into this site typing my everyday stories again. But yes, I'm going to keep up with this habit to perhaps improve on my English and record whatever is happening to me. I quit blogging last year cos of O's, for that, I failed to record my happenings for a year. I missed the recording for almost a year of activities this year too. Nothing important too actually.

I'm thinking maybe you guess might want to know the plans waiting for me this holiday. :) My volleyball team and I are heading to Taiwan for our EndOfYear trip! Hehe, I've never went there before and it's one of the best food paradise that I've been DYING (Literal) to go. However, returning from taiwan would hopefully not come as a nightmare to me. I wish to not gain any weight. PRAY HARD.

PS: Alright, I know my grammar and vocab really sucks. I'm still learning how to blog 'elegantly'. The way I blog, I know, is really unbearable. :( Pardon me ok!

On a sidenote, my team is going to have friendly with TNT tomorrow. I can't describe to you how much I'm dying to play as the main setter. Been training hard, but I guess my effort is not sufficient for coach to trust me. I don't know how my teammates think of me. All I know is, I'm doing whatever it takes to put myself in the main 6 spot. For all I know, again, is that it hurts so bad to be the 2nd setter. Getting zero credits for your a year's worth of training. It's totally not worth it. I dsa-ed NYJC for volleyball, I must at least contribute something. I know I have a lot to catch up on my studies, and I'm doing so little to help myself this holiday. Argh, really hate myself for being so lazy seriously. So many things on my mind.

I'm still contemplating whether to public this blog. Haha in the meantime, I should keep this low profile right?

Aww, I apologise for listing so many unhappy stuffs in the opening blogpost for my blog. Hehe kayzsx, I'm lame.